Why Men Disappear…Without a Trace!
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On this week’s show, I welcome back Iris Benrubi, a relationship coach at Simply Success. After a tough divorce that left her afraid of getting her heart hurt again, Iris learned how to get out of her comfort zone and keep herself safe in order to find love again. With her background in psychotherapy and coaching, she made it her mission to help other women dealing with the same issues to help them on their journey toward creating dream relationships.
This week, Iris and I discuss a question that many women find themselves wondering about the men they’re dating, in a relationship with, and even married to: “Can I change a man?”
Firstly, remember that you’re not his mother – you can’t shape him, and you don’t have a say in whether he measures up to your expectations or not. According to Iris, one of the top mistakes that you can make is allowing yourself to fall in love with his potential. Phrases such as “Our relationship would be perfect if only he did this” are disillusioning and take your focus away from what your man truly is and what he isn’t. There’s always room for shifting in relationships, but don’t expect to be able to make major changes to the man that he inherently is. Instead, you must accept your man for who he is or move on.
If you’ve ever tried to go on a diet to impress someone, you know that it’s an incredibly difficult habit to sustain. This is because you’re not practicing the diet for yourself – the same principle applies to attempting to change your man. He won’t be able to sustain those changes unless he’s doing it for himself – unless he’s making changes to himself on his own accord, not yours. Either accept your man for who is and where he is at in life or make it clear to him exactly what your needs are. Gauge his response and attempt to move forward if the relationship allows.
If there is something about your man that’s a major conflict with your needs, bring it up to him gently. Let him know that if he took the steps to make this change, it would make you feel cared for. According to Iris, the best course of action is to gauge his reaction. Find out whether or not he’s capable of communicating with you better. If he’s not willing to consider making that change, then the relationship must be evaluated for its sustainability.
Remember to go into the relationship with clear must-haves. If he’s not providing them, ask for them – if he can’t or won’t step into the change you’re asking him to make, then take that information to make a more informed decision as to whether you’re willing to invest your time and emotion into the relationship. Men either fit or they don’t – if they don’t, then they’re just not the right fit for you and your needs.
What do you think about Iris’s dating tips? In the comments below, let us know your thoughts and experiences!
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Suzanne Oshima, Matchmaker & Dating Coach at Dream Bachelor & Bachelorette & the Founder of Single in Stilettos () interviews Iris Benrubi.
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